


Robot Hospital

by Skullharvester



Series: One-Shots (Ratchet & Clank) [2]
Category: Ratchet & Clank
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skullharvester/pseuds/Skullharvester
Summary: Captain Qwark suddenly finds himself... in a sitcom, starring as Nurse Shannon?
Relationships: Captain Qwark/Dr. Nefarious, qwarkarious
Series: One-Shots (Ratchet & Clank) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120196
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Robot Hospital

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy and have fun! 
> 
> If you liked this tale, please drop me a kudos and/or a comment to let me know if you'd like to see more! 
> 
> Thank you, and have a wonderful night!

* * *

This time on: Robot Hospital…

Captain Qwark didn’t remember signing a new contract for a sitcom, nor why he was dressed in the wardrobe of one of his espionage disguises reserved for very important missions with the Galactic Rangers, but here he was standing in the hallway of some hospital set, donning the attire of the foxy and clever minx known as Nurse Shannon.

Might as well get into character and see where this was going.

Clearing her throat, Nurse Shannon held the clipboard in her grasp close to her chest while cracking open the door to the room she was standing in front of, only to see Dr. Nefarious of all people, dressed in the garb of a physician, standing at the bedside of an unconscious robotic patient. 

Shannon stepped inside, approaching the doctor with a sense of uncertainty, and nearly jumping out of her own skin at the sound of a non-existent audience making an excited: “Ooooh~!” after she made her entrance.

“Ah, Nurse Shannon. There you are. I was beginning to think you got lost,” said the lanky green doctor, snatching the clipboard from her hand to examine the patient’s test results.

Uh-oh. What was the next line? Qwark didn’t recall reading a script at any point. Maybe this was an improv bit.

Shannon’s voice cracked at first when she finally responded after getting over her stage fright. “Of course not, Doctor…” What was his character’s name?

“Qwarkarious.”

Strange name, thought the nurse. “Doctor Qwarkarious. The only place I ever get lost in is, uh, your eyes.”

The doctor looked up from the clipboard with a disappointed expression that said: Seriously? A laugh track recorded ages ago by a robotic audience played for a moment. It wasn’t until now that Qwark noticed how creepy canned laughter was.

“At any rate, I’m afraid we’ll have to perform an operation on the patient,” said Dr. Qwarkarious in a grim tone.

“Should I take him to the ER?” offered Shannon helpfully, but the doctor shook his massive head.

“There’s no time,” he insisted. “We’ll have to do it here.”

The doctor went to go open up a supply drawer and put on a mask and a clean pair of gloves. While he was getting ready, Shannon couldn’t help but take a closer look at the patient laying on the bed. Strangely, the patient looked just like the unfinished robot Dr. Nefarious kept underneath a tarp in the janitorial closet that served as his makeshift laboratory at the headquarters of the Galactic Rangers. He was a portly fellow with a long face and was dressed like a butler. 

Qwark recalled that when Nefarious first arrived to take his place among the Rangers, said robot was just a head tucked under the new recruit’s arm when he dragged his heavy bags of luggage in through the entrance. For some reason, that particular invention always seemed especially important to the doctor, despite the fact that he never brought it up, nor got around to finishing it as of yet. Why was it here?

Nurse Shannon flinched when the doctor slung a mask at her, which she hurriedly caught in her hands before it fell to the ground. Casting an irritated look at the doctor, she secured it to her face, took what she expected was her usual spot next to the tray of tools set on a portable table, and awaited instruction. 

Dr. Qwarkarious poked and prodded at the patient’s exposed chest curiously, then said with his hand held out expectantly, “Spanner.” A tool was placed into his palm, and he only caught a glimpse of it when he brought it closer to his face. He sighed. “This is an electromagnetic screwdriver.”

“Oh. I knew that,” mumbled Shannon, embarrassed. The audience laughter that followed was a reminder that the situation wasn’t dire, so that took away a lot of the pressure to not mess up. Or, in this case, screw up.

Qwark was never great at improv comedy.

Nurse Shannon tried again, and after a gag sequence of handing over tools that probably shouldn’t even be on the tray in the first place – one of the tools was Nurse Shannon’s personal Crotchetizer that somehow ended up there – and audience hysteria, she finally ended up giving him an actual spanner, allowing the doctor to get on with his work. 

With a few cartoonish noises that the nurse began to believe only she could hear, the doctor extracted what was apparently the literal root of the problem: A carrot.

In an instant, the patient rose into an upright position on the bed, accompanied by the sound of his internal gears whirring, and announced, “Oh goody! I’m alive. As alive as a mechanical being can be, at least.” There was a incorporeal applause for his speedy recovery.

“How did you get a carrot stuck in your fuel tank?” asked the doctor with a raised brow.

“Funny story, that,” said the robotic patient. The doctor and nurse both waited for an explanation, but none ever came; he just sat there twiddling his thumbs in a bored manner.

Nurse Shannon chuckled awkwardly, deciding to break the tension. “Don’t feel too embarrassed – it’s happened to me once or twice, too.” The audience laughed.

“Don’t remind me,” interjected Dr. Qwarkarious. “I was the one who had to remove it.” The disembodied laughter became uproarious, then died down slowly, permitting the scene to continue.

“Thank you both for saving my life.” The patient got out of his bed, closing his chest cavity before smoothing out the sheets on the hospital bed until they were perfectly in order. He turned back to his saviors and added, “I must say: Being near the brink of death has left me quite famished. No doubt you could see that my fuel reserves were quite low while you were digging about in there.”

“Our hospital has a fully staffed cafeteria,” said Nurse Shannon. “If you want, I could go get you something from there.”

Shaking his head, the patient replied, “No need. I am craving something out of the ordinary, you see, and while I don’t suppose you have much to offer me, I can tell that your good doctor here will make a fine meal.”

“WHAT!?” the doctor snapped, taking a few steps back until he was partially hidden behind his assistant.

“Yes,” said the robot. “I’m afraid that I’m going to eat your brains now. Terribly sorry about all this.”

Nurse Shannon gasped along with the pretend viewership, scooped the doctor up into her strong curvaceous arms, ran to kick open the door, and left as quickly as her toned legs would carry her with Dr. Qwarkarious in tow while dramatic music started up. 

"You both are being dreadfully unfair. As a robot zombie, I can only shamble so fast, you know,” called out their dapper patient as he pursued them at a hilariously slow pace, as the laugh track made sure to point out.

The nurse let out a terrified shriek as several other patients burst forth from their hospital rooms, wobbling after them. The zombified robots might not have taken much interest in her alone, but she carried with her what was practically a full course dinner.

Fearful himself and trembling in her arms, the doctor nagged her for stopping to stare at the approaching horde. “Shannon, if you don’t get moving right now, I swear I will –”

In a panic, she ran for the exit – any exit, but they were all blocked off by a growing swarm of the brain-eating robots. She was left with no choice but to retreat to a nearby broom closet, which she barricaded the door of using one of the supply shelves. Her attempts to call for the police on her phone proved to be futile; no matter how many times she redialed, there was no answer. It made her ill to think that they might have been afflicted with whatever was driving these other robots crazy, too.

“I guess this the end, then,” said the doctor, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “This wasn’t how I pictured the end of my reputable career.”

“Oh, doctor,” replied Shannon as she pocketed the phone and took one of his hands into her own. “Your career was never reputable. We get sued for malpractice all the time!”

The audience found this humorous, but Dr. Qwarkious clearly didn’t.

Sad music indicated to Qwark that this was the part of the episode where the characters would have a meaningful heart-to-heart moment. When she pulled down her mask, so did he.

“Listen, since we’re probably going to die here, there’s something that I’ve been meaning to tell you, doctor.”

“I’m listening.”

“I don’t actually have a nursing license. In all honesty, I’m only certified in cosmetology! That’s my real passion, but a girl just can’t make a living cutting hair anymore.”

Dr. Qwarkarious withdrew his hand to cough awkwardly into his fist. “I… I wouldn’t know anything about hair,” he mumbled. After all, he was completely bald. Taking a deep breath, he looked the nurse right in the eyes with a serious expression. “I have something to confess, too. I’m not a real doctor.” Shocked noises were uttered in the background.

The nurse just smiled at him and hugged him close to her busty chest. “You are to me.”

“Awwww,” cooed the audience from afar.

The doctor’s voice was muffled by his face being buried into her buttoned-open top. “That’s not how doctorates work.”

Nurse Shannon pulled him away from her chest, and cried out, “Oh, just shut up and kiss me!”

But before the couple could proceed to make out in the broom closet while robot zombies tried to claw their way inside, Qwark was awoken from his bizarre dream with a slap to the face.

“WAKE UP, YOU OAF!”

“Huh…?”

“YOU’RE CRUSHING MY LEG!”

“Sorry.”

Captain Qwark rubbed his face after untangling himself from the other man, then opened his sleepy eyes all the way so that he could assess the situation. 

The first thing he noticed was that he wasn’t in his own room; he was pretty sure he was in Dr. Nefarious’ “lab”. Secondly, Nefarious wasn’t wearing a shirt. Neither was he. Actually, neither one of them were wearing anything at all. That created more questions than it answered.

Now Qwark remembered: They really did make out in a broom closet. They also did a lot of other things afterwards, but his memory was still a little hazy on the details. Regardless, the night before was as exciting as it was impulsive and unexpected: Tremendously.

Nefarious settled down now that Qwark wasn’t causing him pain, and had cuddled up to him again, drawing phantom circles in his chest with a finger while pretending to be totally engrossed in the make-believe diagram he was creating on the muscular man’s skin. “I take it you were dreaming, from how you kept squirming around in your sleep.”

Qwark chortled. “Yeah, it was something else.” He inhaled a deep breath, getting ready to tell the tale, but Nefarious silenced him by pressing a finger over his lips.

“Don’t bore me with it.”

The captain gingerly grabbed the doctor’s slender wrist, kissing the man’s fingertip prior to pulling his hand away from his face so that he could speak. “Okay, fine.” Red tinted his face as he considered something. “But, uh, out of curiosity: What are your feelings on romantic roleplay? Is that something that would be totally off the table between us?”

Nefarious blinked slowly with a bemused frown. He could only wonder where that idea came from, and felt it was best not to speculate. “Would you consider playing the role of a mime?”

“Huh. Didn’t think that’d be your “thing”, but –”

“It’s not. But you’re more attractive when you’re silent.”

An egotistical grin spread across Qwark’s face. “You don’t really mean that.”

Nefarious sighed, closing his eyes. He leaned over to plant a small peck on the smug hero’s massive jaw. “Oh, just shut up and kiss me, you fool,” he murmured while brushing his thumb across the cleft in Qwark’s chin.

“Hey! That’s my line –” But before he could protest any further, the doctor crushed their lips together.

Might as well get into character and see where this was going.

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended listening: Doctor by Jack Stauber.


End file.
